


When Love and Fears Collide

by Talvenhenki



Category: Merlin (TV), The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: A lot of emotions in general, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aramis just likes to worm his way into everything I do, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Trauma, Fluff and Angst, Minor Character Death, Multi, Off-screen Minor Character Death, This was originally a dance squad au but then I dropped the dance squad, Whump, sorry for everyone who came here for the musketeers it's mostly about Lancelot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 11:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20545142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: Lancelot's first day at a new school brings him new friends after a boy falls all over him. He is grateful for the new friendships, but will they survive even when they find out why the Québeqois boy moved to another country entirely when he was just a child? And what will happen when Lancelot confesses his feelings to his crush?





	When Love and Fears Collide

**Author's Note:**

> This fic went into an entirely different direction as I'd imagined but ehh, that happens fairly usually. The story itself doesn't show it, but there will be mentions of armed robbery and murder in this fic so please proceed with caution in case that makes you uncomfortable for any reason!

Lancelot felt anxious. It was the first day of school, and for him it was the very first day at upper secondary. He had never been very good at new situations and having been an outcast of sorts at his previous schools, he was afraid that the bullying might continue. He honestly just wanted to not stick out so no one could make him a target. He just wanted to hide in the relative safety of the crowd.

He was sitting at the back of the classroom as the homeroom teacher said that everyone should say their name and tell some fact about themselves. Fear clawed at Lancelot’s stomach as he tried to decide what he would say that no one would think much of it. Before he had noticed it, the raven-haired boy sitting in front of Lancelot was already introducing himself.

“My name’s Merlin”, the boy said, his voice clear and happy. “I’m super clumsy and a lot of my friends laugh at me because of it. I really hope I won’t end up tripping all over any of you, especially not on the first day.”

Everyone laughed and Merlin looked around with a sheepish smile on his face. As his eyes locked with Lancelot’s, he grinned widely. For a moment, Lancelot dared to hope that the boy would want to become his friend.

“I’m Lancelot”, Lancelot mumbled, but was rudely interrupted by the teacher telling him to speak louder and saying that no one in the room would hear him otherwise. Lancelot frowned for a bit before speaking up again.

“I’m Lancelot”, he said, this time loud and clear, “I’m bilingual with French and English since I grew up in Quebec before moving to live here in England with my aunt’s family.”

“Well, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” the teacher said and gestured the next person to introduce themselves. Lancelot frowned and stared at his desk, angry at the teacher for targeting him like that. He just wanted to disappear into the crowd and the teacher had made him stand out like a sore thumb.

As the lunch break rolled around, Lancelot followed his classmates to the cafeteria. As they were walking down the stairs, Lancelot heard a surprised noise behind himself. He turned around just in time to realise that the raven-haired boy from his class – _Merlin_, Lancelot thought absentmindedly – was falling forward and straight into Lancelot. They collided with such a force that it knocked the air out of Lancelot’s lungs, and they fell into a heap at the foot of the stairs. It took Lancelot a moment to gather himself and catch his breath, but Merlin was up right away and apologising profusely.

“It’s alright”, Lancelot managed to say as he sat up with Merlin’s help. “I’m fine. Did you hurt yourself?”

“I’m fighting fit”, Merlin announced and smiled again. “I fall down all the time, so I’ve built a resistance to it. But really, you should probably get your ribs checked at least; I know that a fall like that may bruise them really badly.”

Lancelot smiled at Merlin and nodded. He knew that his aunt would probably freak out a little about him falling like that. She’d ask him if he was alright and give him _that_ kind of look – the kind that said Lancelot shouldn’t even think of hurting himself, not that Lancelot would, of course. Sometimes Lancelot felt that his aunt thought that every bad thing that happened to Lancelot must be a bad reaction from losing his family.

“Hey Lancelot, do you want to eat with me and my buddies?” Merlin asked. He had already grabbed Lancelot’s arm and was guiding him to the cafeteria. “I bet they’d really like you. And you’d like them. I bet Percival and Gwaine would love to drag you around; you’d be a good influence on them.”

Merlin kept going on the whole time they were walking towards the cafeteria and getting their lunches. Even as they found Merlin’s buddies, Merlin was still talking to Lancelot who, grateful about not having to speak about himself, kept nodding along. The blond boy at the table shook his head and interrupted Merlin’s endless blabbering after a moment.

“If you let him speak like that, he will never stop”, the boy said as Merlin made a face at him. “My name’s Arthur and I guess you’re some poor soul Merlin tripped over, are you?”

“Yes, he did fall over me”, Lancelot said, smiling again, “and my name’s Lancelot.”

“I remember you; the teacher was rude to you”, the boy with longish black hair said to Lancelot. “I’m Gwaine; we’re at the same class. Gwen is in our class too.”

One of the two girls in the group smiled and waved at Lancelot. She had dark skin and curly black hair. As Lancelot looked at her, he immediately thought that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He also felt like he’d seen her before somewhere, probably with some friend of Aramis’.

“My name is Percival”, said the tall boy sitting next to Lancelot and then motioned at the two boys who hadn’t been introduced yet. “The curly-haired one is Leon and the one next to him in Elyan, Gwen’s older brother. And the girl in between Elyan and Gwen is Morgana, Arthur’s half-sister.”

“Nice to meet you”, Lancelot mumbled and smiled again. He allowed the conversation to go on, not really participating in it. As the group eventually split up to go to their respective classes, Gwaine grabbed Lancelot’s arm suddenly.

“Hey buddy, is everything alright?” he asked, looking rather worried. “You barely said anything after we introduced ourselves. Are you just a quiet person in general or was something bothering you?”

“I’m…I’m just very quiet in general”, Lancelot said, “and I’m not good at keeping up with conversations anyway.”

“Oh. Good.” Gwaine sighed. “I was kind of worried we were not giving you room to speak because Merlin and I tend to get very loud. If you want to say something you can interrupt us anytime, I promise. We’d like to hear you talk more and get to know you.”

“Thanks?” Lancelot asked, feeling unsure if it was the correct answer. Gwaine laughed and patted Lancelot’s back and then dragged Lancelot back to the classroom for additional information about their schoolyear.

When Lancelot made it home that afternoon, he was still smiling to himself. He felt lucky, having finally made some new friends and making it through the whole day. Even his ribs that were still throbbing a little didn’t bother him.

Lancelot went straight to the kitchen to grab some snacks and noticed Aramis and Porthos sitting at the table, clearly plotting something. Lancelot tried to grab the cookies he was after as quietly as he could, but Aramis saw him before he’d even made it to the cupboard.

“Oh, you’re back home already”, Aramis said, trying to look innocent but not quite managing the look. “Would you like to have some mandarins? Or maybe some of mom’s chocolate.”

“You ate my cookies”, Lancelot said, having already opened the cupboard. The cookies were nowhere to be seen and disappointment rose in Lancelot’s chest.

“He didn’t say they were yours”, Porthos said, looking apologetic. “I have some chocolate with nougat in it, though. You can have that if you want to.”

“Thanks”, Lancelot mumbled as Porthos handed him the chocolate. Lancelot also made some tea and a few sandwiches for himself before heading to his room. He lay down on his bed and opened the book he’d been reading to continue it. As he read the book, he realised he was actually waiting for the next day at school and to seeing his friends again.

Lancelot smiled and continued the story.

* * *

During the autumn, Lancelot’s life fell into a rhythm of sorts, in which he spent a lot of time with his new friends. His fond feeling for Gwen grew every day and every day he tried to work up the courage to tell her but at the end of the day, he always stopped himself from doing that. He was afraid he would break the fragile friendship with his dumb feelings that just would. Not. Go. Away.

“You’re being very quiet again”, Merlin said one afternoon as they were waiting for the class to begin. “Is something on your mind?”

“A lot is on my mind”, Lancelot muttered and buried his hands in his unruly hair. “I like someone but I’m too afraid of telling her that I like her. It’s difficult.”

“It’s Gwen isn’t it?” Merlin asked. Dread set in Lancelot’s stomach as he heard it. If Merlin knew, how many others did as well?

“It’s been kind of obvious”, Merlin said, seeing Lancelot’s face. “Gwen’s pretty oblivious and knows nothing, though. But if you like her, you should tell her soon because Arthur’s told me that he likes her too. I don’t know if he’s told her yet.”

“Told who what?” asked Gwen’s voice from near Merlin and Lancelot. “What were you talking about?”

“Lancelot has something to tell you”, Merlin said before Lancelot could stop him.

Lancelot felt the dread in his guts again. Merlin was giving him a wicked smile to which Gwen was completely obvious. Lancelot tried to give Merlin the most murderous look he could conjure up – even though he knew the look wasn’t very murderous.

“Oh? What is it?” Gwen asked. Her sweet smile set off some butterflies in Lancelot’s stomach.

“I, uh, I…I like you”, Lancelot mumbled, hoping that not many people in the hallway could hear him. He knew he was blushing and hated himself for it. Gwen’s smile fell and she immediately looked rather apologetic.

“Oh, Lancelot, I’m so sorry”, Gwen said, “Arthur just asked me out before I came here. I already promised I’d go out with him. As his girlfriend. Can I still be friends with you? I like you a lot too. As a friend.”

Lancelot felt all the dread drain out of him and at its place, shame and disappointment filled him. He’d been too late once again. He sighed and shook his head. No point in crying over the spilled milk, he reminded himself.

“I’d like to stay friends”, Lancelot said, forcing a smile on his face. “I don’t want our friendship going bad over my feelings.”

“Thank you, Lancelot”, Gwen breathed and grabbed Lancelot’s hands before outright hugging him. “You’re a treasure among men.”

“And what am I, the skeleton next to the treasure chest?” Merlin asked jokingly. Gwen laughed at him and made a face.

“You are the spider on the treasure chest”, she said, still laughing. Merlin made a face at her and dodged her hand swatting at him. “Sorry, Morgana seems to have something to tell me. See you in class.”

With that, Gwen was off, and Lancelot could drop the ridiculous smile he had been sporting. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He felt thoroughly idiotic and Merlin’s apologetic look wasn’t helping him much.

“I’m sorry”, Merlin whispered, “I had no idea Arthur had decided to tell her today. I shouldn’t have made you tell her.”

Lancelot didn’t blame Merlin. He had just wanted to help and had done so in his own way. It felt better to have told her and get rejected immediately rather than having wished for something that would never have happened. It was a relief in a way, not having to wonder forever.

“Let’s go get some ice cream after school”, Lancelot mumbled to Merlin who immediately agreed. It was comforting enough to eat something so sweet with a friend as good as Merlin. Granted, it was difficult to make Merlin not eat ice cream when offered, but to Lancelot the company felt like the greatest declaration of friendship.

* * *

Lancelot hadn’t been sleeping well. He’d been having some horrible nightmares of the worst evening of his life. He relived the moments hidden under his bed every time he closed his eyes, making sleep a task he would rather not do. He knew he’d have to tell someone eventually, but he chose to stay quiet, fearing how his new friends would react to a revelation as shocking as to why Lancelot moved to another country entirely when he was only a child.

On top of that, Arthur had been talking to Gwen and, to Lancelot’s surprise, had asked if she and Lancelot would both like to go out with him for a date. They’d gone to the date and were trying to establish their not-quite-yet-a-relationship very, very slowly.

(_“There’s one thing that I don’t quite get yet”, Lancelot had said one afternoon as they’d hung out, “how do three people kiss?”_

_Gwen had laughed at him and set off another set of butterflies in his stomach._

_“Two people at a time, I suppose”, Arthur had said, smiling his dumb, fond smile._)

There was something in the way that Arthur and Gwen acted that bothered Lancelot. They were so physical and so intimate – with each other and Lancelot, who felt dreadfully clumsy alongside them – that it made Lancelot a little uncomfortable. He felt like there should have been more emotion, more love behind his unsure hugs and clumsy kisses but he couldn’t feel any more than he already did. He loved Arthur and Gwen a lot but not in the way they loved each other.

Sometimes, in the refuge of his own room, Lancelot feared that he was broken and couldn’t actually feel love. He feared he couldn’t give Gwen and Arthur the happiness they deserved.

He feared they would find out and hate him for what he could not feel.

* * *

It all came down to one particularly slow class held by their homeroom teacher. For two nights, Lancelot hadn’t slept a wink, and he could feel the effects on his body. He was shaky and felt nauseous when something, he wasn’t sure what, suddenly felt wrong. He felt winded and his heart was beating twice the normal speed.

Ah. It was a panic attack.

“Mrs. Smith?” Lancelot asked softly, “I’m not feeling well. May I go to the nurse’s office?”

“Absolutely not”, she said, “since you haven’t been paying attention to my classes during the past weeks. Not feeling well is just an excuse for you boys.”

White-hot anger filled Lancelot’s chest. The teacher had not kept her disdain of Lancelot a secret and she was always looking for reasons to make him angry. She wasn’t even trying to understand Lancelot’s point of view. She just wanted to make his life miserable.

“Mrs. Smith”, Lancelot called again, “I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks because I’ve been having nightmares. That makes paying attention at class a little difficult. And right now, I am about to have a panic attack. At least let me keep my dignity and have the panic attack at the nurse’s office instead of a full classroom. I would rather not be the laughingstock for the whole class.”

The teacher stared at Lancelot and said nothing. Lancelot took it as permission to leave and gathered his supplies and left the classroom. He heard her calling out to him as he walked down the corridor, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He just needed to get to the nurse’s office.

He had almost reached the nurse’s office when the panic hit. He couldn’t breathe, and the world around him felt twice as suffocating as it normally did. He was leaning on the wall of the little separated alcove between the nurse’s office and the hallway, and tears prickled at his eyes.

He curled up on himself, trying to hide from the world and from whoever would find him first.

It only felt like a few moments, but it had to have been longer when someone grabbed Lancelot’s arm and helped him up. That someone was talking softly with a familiar voice – _Arthur’s voice_, Lancelot realised – as he knocked on the door and led Lancelot to the nurse’s office. The old man inside the office helped Lancelot to sit down on the chair while Arthur still spoke to him.

“Can you take a deep breath for me, Lancelot?” Arthur asked softly. Lancelot tried and, after a few attempts, managed to take a few deep breaths. His eyes were still full of tears and he wouldn’t look at Arthur.

Oh, he felt so ashamed of himself. He hated his weakness, the weakness that stemmed from his childhood. He hated the robbers who had, while robbing the house, also robbed Lancelot of his childhood.

“You’re alright now”, Arthur whispered, rubbing Lancelot’s knuckles. “Gaius said you can stay here. You won’t have to go to Mrs. Smith’s class.”

“How’d you find me?” Lancelot asked, looking at Arthur’s face. He felt totally spent and couldn’t understand how Arthur had just appeared at his side.

“Gwen texted me”, Arthur explained. “I don’t have any more classes today and I was just waiting for you two. She told me to go find you because she was worried.”

Lancelot nodded and looked down again. He couldn’t bear looking at Arthur’s kind eyes, couldn’t bear to look at someone who could forgive him when he himself couldn’t. He couldn’t forgive himself for being so weak, even after all those years.

He couldn’t forgive himself because that would mean moving on and he didn’t want to move on.

“Do you think you can go back to class, my boy?” the old man, Gaius, asked.

“No”, Lancelot said and shook his head. “I can’t. I don’t feel good enough. Can you call my aunt or someone to come pick me up and take me home? I don’t feel steady enough to take the bus.”

“Of course, my boy”, Gaius said and dialled the number of Lancelot’s aunt, Diana d’Herblay. After a quick conversation, he told Lancelot that she would come pick him up shortly. Arthur was allowed to stay with him as he rested for a moment, the panic attack having drained him completely.

“Can I come over later?” Arthur asked as they were waiting. “I think Gwen will want to see you too. And Merlin and Gwaine. Hell, I should just invite the whole gang, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes”, Lancelot said, almost smiling at Arthur who beamed at him in return. “I’d like to see all of you when I’m feeling more like myself again. I can give you my address and you can come over later?”

“Sounds good”, Arthur agreed. He brushed Lancelot’s hair away from his eyes and for a moment Lancelot found the touch pleasant. It was odd, he thought, how one person’s touches could either feel very nice, or very uncomfortable, depending on the situation. Lancelot would have been content with this kind of gentleness, if it didn’t include the odd passionate kisses.

The door opened and revealed Diana who had hurried to the school. She looked worried and went straight to Lancelot to hug him.

“I’m sorry”, she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice you weren’t well. I’ll take you home and you can rest.”

“It’s fine, aunt”, Lancelot whispered, “I’m alright now. Can my friends come over later so I can explain them why I had a panic attack? I want them to know.”

“Yes, yes they can”, Diana said as she let go of Lancelot. He was standing a little unsteadily but nonetheless standing up straight.

At that moment, that was enough.

* * *

Lancelot was sitting in the living room, feeling nervous and agitated. He was afraid of the moment he’d have to spill the beans, like the English said. He wanted the others to know, to understand his weakness. He hoped that they’d understand why he was like he was, quietness and everything included.

He didn’t want their pity, he wanted understanding. He wanted to know he was still a part of the group.

The doorbell rang and Lancelot got up to open the front door. Everyone – even Morgana who wasn’t particularly close with Lancelot – walked inside, carrying various packages of chocolate and iced tea and some cookies.

“Are we having a party?” Lancelot asked. He didn’t really understand what all those sweets were for.

“No, we’re going to cheer you up with some chocolate!” Merlin announced. “And we decided that we’d get jealous if you’d get all the sweets, so we got enough for everyone.” He paused for a moment and then grinned. “It was Arthur’s idea, though.”

Arthur made an odd noise at the back of his throat and blushed. Gwen giggled at him and gave Lancelot a little package of chocolate. It occurred to Lancelot that the chocolate was probably Arthur’s way of trying to cheer him up.

“Thanks”, Lancelot said and managed what he hoped was a smile. “Uh…we should go to my room. I hope we all fit in there. Someone might have to sit on the floor.”

“That would be Percival”, Gwaine announced and hit his giant friend on the back. “He’s the only one tall enough to do so.”

“Quiet, you, or you will be the one sitting on the floor”, Percival retorted and made a face at Gwaine.

Lancelot felt a sudden fondness towards all of his friends. They were acting so normally even though Lancelot had acted like a total disaster and made them see a side of himself he hadn’t wanted them to see. He was so lucky he had them as his friends.

“So, I promised to explain you all what happened”, Lancelot said as they’d all managed to find sitting places in his room. Lancelot himself was sitting on his bed with Merlin at one side and Gwen at the other. Most of the others were sitting on the floor (except for Percival who had claimed the chair before Gwaine could) and were snacking on the chocolates and cookies they’d bought.

“The thing is, my birth family died when I was very little”, Lancelot explained, “all of them died and I saw some of it happen. My father was a somewhat well-known politician and some armed people tried to rob our house with everyone inside it. I hid under my bed and survived but I heard it all happen. It still gives me nightmares and panic attacks sometimes, especially around the anniversary of the whole thing. After that I haven’t been able to play hide-and-seek at all because it gave me such horrible panic attacks.”

Gwen hugged Lancelot and almost made him fall down with the force of her hug. All the others looked shocked and upset but Gwen was the only one outright crying. Merlin and Morgana had paled completely, and Arthur looked somehow weird – was he _angry_?

“When’s the anniversary?” Gwaine asked. Something in his eyes looked very sad and sympathetic at the same time.

“It’s…it’s tomorrow”, Lancelot said, suddenly realising how close it was. “I knew it was soon, but I hadn’t realised that it would be this soon.”

“Do you want us to distract you?” Percival asked. He looked very serious and angry, entirely different from his usual smiling and kind self. “If you need us to do something, just tell us. There’s no way we’ll leave you to suffer alone from this.”

“Thank you”, Lancelot whispered. He looked at his knees, unable to face his friends at that moment. Gwen was still hugging him, and Merlin had taken Lancelot’s hand in his own, trying to give him some comfort. For a moment there was only silence.

“Well, I say we need something to watch”, Leon said suddenly. Lancelot looked up, not quite understanding what Leon meant. “Do you have a film or something we could watch? Something that you like. That usually helps me to keep myself distracted.”

“I do have _The Princess Bride_”, Lancelot said, “it’s one of my favourite films. It always makes me laugh.”

“Oh, I love that film!” Morgana agreed and clapped her hands together. “It never fails to make me smile. Let’s watch it!”

The others agreed fairly quickly, and Lancelot went to the TV to set up the film. Before he pressed play on the remote, he sat down on the floor, leaning on Arthur’s shoulder, making him blush. Arthur grabbed Lancelot’s hand, squeezing his fingers and wrapped his free hand around Lancelot’s shoulders.

To Lancelot, that little gesture felt immensely comforting.

As the film progressed, Lancelot realised he felt so very tired. Arthur had begun to run his hand through Lancelot’s hair which, to Lancelot, was extremely calming and made him feel very sleepy. He let his eyes droop a little, just to rest for a moment…

“Did he fall asleep?” Merlin asked softly. He had sat down next to Lancelot while Gwaine had finally claimed himself a place on the bed.

“I think he did”, Arthur muttered, “it’s no wonder since he’s been so tired lately. He just probably needed someplace safe to sleep in.”

“Safe in your arms”, Merlin teased. Arthur shot him an annoyed look and made a face at him.

“He looks peaceful for the first time in weeks”, Arthur said suddenly. “He’s very good at hiding his emotions but he’s still looked very haunted lately. I should have noticed it sooner.”

“I’m glad he told us”, Merlin said, stroking Lancelot’s hair as well. “I hate the idea of him suffering alone. He’s always so nice to us and helps everyone out so I think it’s only fair that we help him too.”

For a moment neither Merlin nor Arthur said anything. They simply made sure that Lancelot was safely between them, hidden from the cruelty of the world. Having heard Lancelot’s story, they now wanted to protect their friend from bad experiences.

Lancelot stayed asleep for most of the film. Arthur wouldn’t let go of him and eventually Gwen sat down on his other side as well. Elyan kept eyeing the trio suspiciously, not quite knowing what was going on between them. Merlin, on the other hand, had figured it out fast and was grinning at his best friends, knowing that they’d be happy together. He couldn’t be happier, knowing that his friends had found a way to be together.

Lancelot woke up eventually, looking thoroughly confused and still half-asleep. Gwen giggled at his dumbfounded expression, which made Lancelot smile shyly at her.

“You missed the duel between Inigo and Westley”, Percival said, “did you sleep well?”

“Honestly, I haven’t slept this well in almost a month”, Lancelot said, yawning. “Sorry for falling asleep on you, though. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“It’s fine”, Leon said before Lancelot could apologise more, “you’ve been really tired, so you needed that. I think I’ll be going home soon because I need to rest too.”

The others agreed since the sun was already setting. The following day would be Saturday and many of them had hobbies during the day. As the others were downstairs putting on their coats and other outdoor clothes, Lancelot pulled Arthur and Gwen aside for a moment.

“Could you two stay here for a bit longer?” he asked, “I’d like to talk to you. About us and…everything.”

“Of course; we’ll stay”, Gwen whispered. She walked over to Elyan to tell him to go home without her and tell their parents not to wait up with the food; she’d eat later.

When the others had finally left, Lancelot all but fell onto the couch, letting out a long sigh. He vaguely gestured at Gwen and Arthur to sit down as well to make sure they were at least somewhat comfortable. He dreaded the conversation he was about to have but felt like he needed to have it anyway.

“What is it you wanted to talk us about?” Gwen asked. She was sitting next to Lancelot and was holding his hand, absentmindedly running her thumb over his knuckles. It was her way of offering comfort, for which Lancelot was very grateful at that moment.

“I…” Lancelot began, but stopped almost immediately. How would he explain what he felt without making it sound like an accusation? “The way you show affection towards each other and me…some of it doesn’t feel good.”

“Which parts of it?” Arthur asked. He was at Lancelot’s other side, looking at him with concern in his eyes.

“The kisses”, Lancelot muttered. Shame had filled him, and he looked down to escape Arthur’s and Gwen’s eyes. “Sometimes the kisses bother me. And the intimacy. I feel like I’m doing it wrong.”

“Is it all the kisses or only some specific kinds of kisses?” Gwen asked. “I mean, is it only the kisses on the mouth that bother you, for example? Or is it all kinds of kisses?”

“I…I don’t think we do any other kinds of kisses”, Lancelot said after a moment of thinking. Without warning, Arthur swung his arm around Lancelot’s shoulders and placed a kiss on his temple. Warmth filled Lancelot’s chest as he realised that he really liked the gesture.

“Was that okay?” Arthur asked.

“That felt nice”, Lancelot mumbled, smiling to himself.

“Then we’ll do more of that”, Arthur said and gave Lancelot another kiss on his temple. Lancelot couldn’t help but giggle, feeling almost childish joy at the little gesture.

“Thank you for telling us”, Gwen said and squeezed Lancelot’s hand. “We hadn’t even realised that you were feeling uncomfortable. Please do tell us if you don’t feel good with something that we do. I don’t want you to suffer in silence because we don’t realise something.”

“Yeah, I think we all should communicate more about our feelings in general”, Arthur said, “since no matter how awesome any of us is, we can’t really read the others’ thoughts. Thanks for reminding us of that.”

“Thank you for listening”, Lancelot whispered. Most of the tension had left him and he was leaning on Arthur who, in turn, was hugging him. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have found such great people to be together with.

Gwen joined the hug and for a moment, Lancelot’s life felt the most peaceful it had ever been. He loved Gwen and Arthur so much that his heart was about to burst by just the thought of it. If it was his choice, he would never let go of them, never be alone again.

“We should go soon”, Gwen whispered and yet made no effort to actually go away. “Elyan will probably be waiting up for me anyway. He’s like that.”

“Will we see each other tomorrow?” Arthur asked. He was rubbing his forehead against Lancelot’s hair and all but trying to meld into Lancelot. “I don’t want to leave before I know when we’ll meet again.”

“Tomorrow might be difficult”, Lancelot said quietly. “I don’t know if I’ll sleep at all tonight so I might be very bad company.”

“Can we come over then?” Gwen asked. “We could distract you and just hang around like we always do. You could message us tomorrow when you feel like we could come over, if you want to. I’d imagine it’d be easier for you if we were here to distract you.”

“I’d like that”, Lancelot whispered, feeling a little overcome with emotion. “I’d really like that.”

* * *

The evening was quiet. Lancelot was trying to distract himself with doing as much schoolwork as he could and when he couldn’t concentrate on it anymore, he started reading a book. Aramis was spending time with Porthos in the living room and ordered them all pizzas and some soda to celebrate the beginning weekend. Lancelot made his way to the living room quite begrudgingly, jealous at Aramis and Porthos who were cuddling on the sofa. Lancelot was secretly hoping he’d have asked Arthur or Gwen to stay for the night, seeing as his aunt and uncle were both out; Diana had a night shift at the hospital and her husband Oscar was working at the nearby homeless shelter for the night.

Lancelot would be alone with only Aramis and Porthos in the house, and the idea terrified Lancelot. He was afraid that he would have another panic attack in front of Aramis’ boyfriend, who was actually a pretty cool person. Breaking down in front of him would be mortifying.

“I think I’ll go to sleep soon”, Lancelot mumbled when the clock on the wall was showing half past ten. He stood up and grabbed his glass and plate to take them back to kitchen and was halfway there when Aramis spoke.

“You don’t mind us staying up a little bit longer?”

“I don’t mind”, Lancelot said, “but if you watch something, please don’t watch anything with loud noises. You know the drill.”

“I know”, Aramis said and smiled at Lancelot. “Good night, buddy.”

“Night”, Lancelot said absentmindedly. He went upstairs to brush his teeth and get ready to go to bed. He followed his routines as well as he could, even though he was terrified of falling asleep that night.

In the end, he hadn’t even completely fallen asleep before the panic hit him. The dimly-lit hallway morphed into another and Aramis and Porthos’ quiet voices suddenly sounded more like the harsh voices of the robbers than two happy boys in love. Fear knotted in Lancelot’s stomach and soon he had to jump up from his bed and rush into the bathroom to throw up the remains of his pizza.

Aramis was almost immediately at his side, rubbing his back and whispering calming things into his ear. The light was turned on and Aramis helped Lancelot to stand up and wash his mouth with water. The house was back to normal, but Lancelot couldn’t stop shaking. His breaths were erratic, and he felt very unstable on his shaking feet.

“I’m fine”, Lancelot insisted before either Aramis or Porthos could say anything. “I’m alright. Please don’t worry about me. I can handle this.”

Porthos and Aramis shared a look and shook their heads. Aramis led Lancelot back to his room, ignoring his protests while Porthos fetched the spare mattress from Aramis’ room and dragged it inside Lancelot’s room. They worked effectively to make sure that the lights were turned off inside the house and to make themselves ready for bed. Either one of them stayed with Lancelot all the time to make sure he wouldn’t panic again.

To Lancelot, those fifteen minutes were a blur. He was squeezing his mattress and trying to keep his breaths mostly even, to spare himself from another panic attack. He didn’t even notice Aramis and Porthos sitting with him and trying to talk to him.

All he wanted to do was to forget.

“We’ll sleep in your room tonight”, Aramis said. Lancelot looked up at him, not quite understanding what was going on. “We’re not letting you sleep alone like this. That was your second panic attack today. Usually it’s mum and dad who take care of your panic attacks but they’re not here and I want to help. You’ll be safe tonight, I promise.”

“I’m fine”, Lancelot insisted again. He was avoiding Aramis’ eyes and looking down like a stubborn child. “You don’t have to bother because of me. I’m fine, I –”

Tears filled Lancelot’s eyes and spilled over. His voice broke and he felt two pairs of arms hugging him immediately. He sobbed against Aramis’ shoulder, still trying to insist he was alright. Aramis rocked him back and forth, gently shushing him. After a moment Aramis climbed on the bed and lay down, pulling Lancelot with him. Porthos pulled the quilt over their shoulders and sat down on the edge of the bed and held Lancelot’s hand.

“I’m sorry”, Lancelot hiccupped, “I’m so sorry! I’m so weak and now you have to suffer because of it. I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, buddy”, Aramis whispered. “You’ve been stronger than I ever was.”

Aramis held Lancelot close until Lancelot fell asleep, and even long after that. Before closing his eyes, Aramis made sure that Porthos, who’d fallen asleep quite some time earlier, was sleeping soundly, and smiled a little at himself.

On the next morning the sun would rise again and Lancelot would be safe with Aramis and Porthos guarding his sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments will warm my soul! (and maybe give me motivation to write more for this au)


End file.
